I recently discovered that the 28th August is Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day, which is a special day dedicated to honouring the memory of pets who are no longer with us.

This year, my own world has been impacted by the loss of a pet. First, in April my family had to take the difficult decision to have our dog put to sleep. He had been very unwell, and all the treatments the vets had tried had failed and it was unfair for him to suffer in the way we could see he was. It was a ‘goodbye’ we really did not want to have to make. He was only 2 1/2.

Even now 5 months later I still miss the him wagging his tail  greet me as I come home, even if I have only been out for a short time and the daily walks that got us out of the house and ‘away’ from work or everyday tasks. The house feels quiet from the lack of his presence including his toys, food bowls and dog beds. The space where he used to lie in the hall and kitchen is just an empty space.

Then, just two months later, we found ourselves repeating the decision process with our cat. Yet another space has been created, although not a boisterous presence like my dog, his absence is just as noticeable, for 13 years he had been a big part of the family. I keep expecting him to wander in and give me that ‘look’ of his as he decides if he want to grace me with his presence and sit on my lap or not, as only a cat can.

As a bereavement counsellor. I spend my days with people who are going through the worst moments of their lives. I'm trained to understand grief, to help others find their way through it. I’ve sat and listened to many stories of loss—of parents, partners, and children.

My professional understanding of grief hasn’t stopped the pain experienced with my own pet loss; just given me a way to label it.

Losing a pet is a particularly quiet kind of grief. It’s not just the loss of a companion; it's the loss of a silent language. The adoring looks, happy barks, the contented purrs, the unconditional love. Their absence is a physical ache. The empty spaces by the door, the unused cat bed, driving home from work and thinking you need to walk the dog and then remembering you don't, no longer needing to go down the pet isle in the supermarket, finding poo bags in a coat pocket months later, the sudden wave of sadness that seems to come from nowhere, feeling that when you are out, everyone ‘seems to have a dog,’ when you don’t. All these tiny reminders are a constant, quiet heartbreak.

Then there are the secondary losses; physical activity of getting out for walks in nature and human contact with other dog walkers who you have got to know.

Pet loss has also been described as a 'disenfranchised grief', a hidden grief or sorrow. This is a grief that goes unacknowledged or unvalidated by social norms. It can often be minimized or not understood by others, which can make it particularly hard to process and work through. It is not that others don’t care, but they may not be aware of the full impact of the loss of a pet and may not see it as a bereavement, so you don't have the opportunity to share how you feel or just talk about your pet. Others try to be supportive by focussing on the future and ask if you will get another dog / cat, not understanding the need to grieve the loss of you current pet. This can leave you feeling alone with your grief.

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I've learned that being a counsellor doesn't make me immune to sorrow. It simply reminds me that I'm human, with a heart that can break just like anyone else's. And that’s okay. What I'm feeling now is the pain that comes as part of losing a member of my family.

If you are grieving a beloved pet, please know that your pain is valid. It's real. And you are not alone.

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Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day was established by American author Deborah Barnes, who lost her beloved Ragdoll cat, Mr. Jazz, in 2013. 

The idea is based on the following poem "The Rainbow Bridge" written by Edna Clyne-Rekhy, a Scottish artist, in 1959 after the death of her Labrador, Major. 

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, your pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water, and sunshine, and friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who have been ill and old are restored to health and strength, those who were hurt are made better and strong again, like we remember them before they go to heaven. They are happy and content except for one small thing—they each miss someone very special to them who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are shining, his body shakes. Suddenly he begins to run from the herd, rushing over the grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cuddle in a happy hug never to be apart again. You and your pet are in tears. Your hands again cuddle his head and you look again into his trusting eyes, so long gone from life, but never absent from your heart, and then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together.

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SELF-CARE WHEN GRIEVING THE LOSS OF A PET

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Coping with the loss of a pet is an individual journey, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. It is entirely normal to experience a range of emotions during this time.

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By allowing yourself to grieve, seeking support, and honouring your pet's memory, you can gradually find healing and solace in the memories of your special companion.

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Here are things that you can do that may help you with your grief:

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1.Give yourself permission to grieve

Non-pet lovers may say things like “it was only a pet!” or “you can always get another one!” But recognise that grieving for the loss of a pet is natural. Be prepared that there will be people who don’t understand. Their comments may be coming from a place of wanting to offer hope and encouragement and they don’t know what to say.

For anyone who has lost a pet that they love dearly it’s okay to be sad, cry, and take some time off work if necessary.

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2.Take your time

The loss of a pet is not something to ‘be got over’.  Allow the healing process to take its course.  Accepting the loss is not something to be rushed and hiding feelings is neither healthy nor helpful!

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3.Talk about your pet

Talking about your pet and the happy times you shared can be extremely helpful.  Remember what you loved about them, the cute things they did and the wonderful memories you have.

Find ways to include your memories or how you are in conversations with other.

You will find many support groups on-line or Facebook groups who will completely understand what you are feeling because they have lost pets too.

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4.Capture your memories

Looking over photos or films can be comforting.  Consider getting a photobook or album of your favourite photos, so that is always on hand when you wish to remember your pet.

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5.Hold a ceremony

Some type of ceremony is often helpful.  This may be a simple as saying a few words to yourself, to inviting friends over to remember your dog or cat or scattering their ashes in a special place. Consider creating a memorial, such as a scrapbook, or planting a tree in your pet's memory. The important thing is that you get to say your goodbyes.

6.Volunteer

Don’t feel you have to rush in to getting another pet.  Perhaps volunteer at an animal rescue centre for a while to give you contact with animals and feel good about helping others in need at the same time.

7.Getting another pet

You will know when the time is right to get another pet. Remember that you will always love the pet who died, but you may have capacity to love another and begin a new relationship.

May be consider rescuing a pet from a shelter or rescue organisation.  From the loss of one pet, so much happiness can be brought to another who has been abandoned.

Support is available for you; vets often have information of counsellors who provide specialist pet bereavement support or try looking at the Blue Cross website.

Whilst not trained in pet loss specifically, I am experienced in bereavement support, and my own loss experience gives me a greater understanding and awareness of the impact of losing a pet.

Please reach out to me if you feel I can help you.

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